June 5, 2014
I hope you're feeling better now. Last time I checked, you poured everything that's been bothering you in my pages. I could feel the hard touch of the pen you've been using to write as you scribble every letter, every mark, and every word in the paper. As you write, I could tell how frustrated and depressed you are that you almost tore my page. Every stroke of the pen marks a deep pain that you and I could only understand. And for every piece of my book, leaves a story that's full of tears and a story about a heart that cares and is damaged.
I wish I could meet him personally- the one you've been telling me about. I wanna see the sun to your sky, the moon to your nightsky, and the creamer to your coffee. I wanna know and feel for myself how your world stops to spin whenever you meet him in the hallways or in random places. How your knees start to weaken when he gets to sway his bangs as he fixes his hair and then approaches you in a slow motion way- the way a camera focuses only to the leading actor in a film. How listening to love songs makes you think of him. How every night feels magical when you get to text him. In short, I wanna take the route towards knowing how a guy can drive a girl crazy. But by the way you describe him and religiously documented every meetings you had with him, I understood how powerful love is, how love can push someone to the edge of happiness and temporary pleasure.
But I also came to realize the downside of love- that not every feelings is reciprocated, that there will always be someone who gets hurt, someone who gives too much, and someone who gets left behind.
It's been a tough fight for you. I know, because you always share every moments you had with him to me. I took the droplets of tears from your eyes as burdened loneliness and sadness that needed to get out. If only I could have a hand to reach your face and wipe away the flowing river from your eyes, I would've done it but the only thing I could do is listen to your unspoken thoughts and hear your heart ugly-cry.
If I could give an advice, it would be: stop thinking about what might happen next. Just enjoy everything that's happening to you at this moment. The only thing that's getting in your way towards having happiness is your fear of the future. You always think of things that shouldn't be thought of in the first place. You overthink so much at night, that's the problem. You shouldn't be.
Learn to indulge yourself with the little things today without minding the future. I know you have fears but you should not let it eat the whole of you and then leave you like a stray cat in the streets.
You're a strong woman. You're smart enough to know that everything will turn out right eventually. You've been so patient, I can't argue with that. You just have to take out your pride and your tendency to overthink, then you will live normally.
I hope as you take me out from your cabinet tonight and do your usual routine- write then read, I'll sense a happy aura and a lighter mood.
You've been so kind to others. You have to be kind to yourself, too :)
Your long-time journal